It's been an interesting and somewhat trying week on the dating scene. I had a very nice first meeting with a promising guy last night, and then this morning as I was rehashing the evening and wondering if I'd read what I thought were signs of continued interest correctly--all the while trying valiantly to beat back those nagging tendrils of insecurity that are constantly trying to creep into my thoughts--I got an email from another guy with whom I'd exchanged a few messages without actually meeting yet.
You know what he wrote in his email? He wrote, "you seem like a nice girl who could benefit from losing 20 pounds."
Ouch.
It wasn't exactly the message I wanted to hear while I was feeling vulnerable and wondering if the other guy was going to be interested in a second meeting.
At times like these, it is helpful to remember a few things:
Boys are dumb. Well, not really, but it made me feel better to write that.
As Maya Angelou says, "when people show you who they are, believe them." What that guy said was really mean. Anyone who would say something like that--in just about any context, let alone the context of internet dating--is not someone I would want to be friends with, and I'm glad I found that out before I wasted any more time trying to get to know this guy. Don't get me wrong--sometimes people need to hear the cold, hard truth. I firmly believe that everyone needs at least one person in their life who will be honest when nobody else will, but that's a role for a well-loved friend, not a total stranger.
Speaking of strangers. If you've been following this blog, you know that I've done some serious work on myself and my life over the past couple of years. I've worked hard to change unhealthy habits of mind and body. There's a very long story here that can't be reduced to a one-sentence assessment by a stranger who doesn't know anything about me. Sure, it hurt to have somebody say that to me, but at the same time, to think that such a comment could be anything but irrelevant to what is really going on with me would be ridiculous.
It's not me, it's you. Thinking of my earlier post on Pema Chodron, I can't help but believe that the only thing that would make a guy be that mean for no reason is plain old fear and insecurity. I refuse to let someone else put their issues on me like that. I have enough issues of my own to worry about.
I'm doing the best I can. If the fact that I might benefit from losing 20 pounds is the worst thing someone can say about me, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Mantra: There is someone for everyone. As I said in my last post, desire is mysterious and inexplicable. I actually have a successful track record of "dating out of my league" as far as appearances go. (Just ask my tactless ex-colleague, who exclaimed upon meeting the guy who later became my husband, "but he's so slender!" As if un-slender old me could not possibly attract and cute and slender boy.) There is no such thing as dating out of your league. You never know what qualities--physical or otherwise--people will find compelling.
And speaking of dating out of my league, that cute guy I met last night emailed today to suggest we hang out again on Sunday. I guess not all boys are dumb.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
What Internet Dating Taught Me About Body Image
My husband and I are separated, and I have been trying internet dating. It is turning out to be a very interesting (often amusing) experience, but something I hadn't anticipated was the positive impact it would have on my body image.
One of the strangest things about internet dating is the disconnect between a person's online persona and the real, live person. I have tried to be honest in my profile. The pictures I posted are all recent and provide a pretty accurate representation of what I look like--not that I didn't try to pick ones that make me look cute, of course. On the other hand, I know that I express myself best on paper, so I worry that while I may look like my photos, I may not be quite as articulate in person as I am on screen. Hard to say.
When I first created my profile, I was worried that no one would respond to it. There are plenty of other girls who are prettier, skinnier, more hip, smarter, whatever. (And of course I was mostly concerned about prettier and skinnier.) The great thing about online dating, though, is that you get to see who has been looking at your profile. As you know, I'm all about the metrics, and I was really surprised at the number of people who saw my photo and clicked. Some of these guys are people I'd never go out with in a million years, but some of them are plenty attractive on multiple levels.
Something very interesting happened while I was out with one of the latter. We were having dinner, and he said, "did you see that guy looking at you when we came in?" I said no, and he replied, "that happens to you all the time, and you have no idea." You'll probably think I'm a freak if I tell you that hearing this almost made me cry, but it did. Because I have never felt that I'm someone who gets looked at by random strangers. I generally feel like you have to get to know me before you can really appreciate me. Like I said, I'm better in writing.
Still, statistics don't lie, and the evidence is right there in the statistics of match and okcupid. And the statistics are confirmed by the fact that none of the men I have met in person have rejected me on sight, or accused me of not looking like my photos, or seemed at all disappointed in the person I turn out to be.
Sure, there have been some men I've contacted online who didn't respond when I contacted them. And yes, when that happens the first thing I think is that I must not have been good looking enough to meet their standards. This could be true, but it's just as likely that they were scared off by my straight-talking profile, or my statement that I don't want to have children, or the fact that I wrote that I'd like a man who is a little bit Marilyn Manson and a little bit Barack Obama. I mean, how many men can live up to that, right?
Likewise, there have been plenty of men who didn't spark my interest, and sometimes appearance is a factor in this. (Although more often than not, grammar and spelling are the dealbreakers in my book.) Also, there have also been plenty of times when it turns out that a guy whose photo seemed promising doesn't do anything for me in person, which brings me to the most important lesson in all of this. Desire is mysterious. Attraction is inexplicable. People like what they like, and it turns out there are plenty of people who like what they see in me. Who knew? Who knows--maybe this really does happen to me all the time.
One of the strangest things about internet dating is the disconnect between a person's online persona and the real, live person. I have tried to be honest in my profile. The pictures I posted are all recent and provide a pretty accurate representation of what I look like--not that I didn't try to pick ones that make me look cute, of course. On the other hand, I know that I express myself best on paper, so I worry that while I may look like my photos, I may not be quite as articulate in person as I am on screen. Hard to say.
When I first created my profile, I was worried that no one would respond to it. There are plenty of other girls who are prettier, skinnier, more hip, smarter, whatever. (And of course I was mostly concerned about prettier and skinnier.) The great thing about online dating, though, is that you get to see who has been looking at your profile. As you know, I'm all about the metrics, and I was really surprised at the number of people who saw my photo and clicked. Some of these guys are people I'd never go out with in a million years, but some of them are plenty attractive on multiple levels.
Something very interesting happened while I was out with one of the latter. We were having dinner, and he said, "did you see that guy looking at you when we came in?" I said no, and he replied, "that happens to you all the time, and you have no idea." You'll probably think I'm a freak if I tell you that hearing this almost made me cry, but it did. Because I have never felt that I'm someone who gets looked at by random strangers. I generally feel like you have to get to know me before you can really appreciate me. Like I said, I'm better in writing.
Still, statistics don't lie, and the evidence is right there in the statistics of match and okcupid. And the statistics are confirmed by the fact that none of the men I have met in person have rejected me on sight, or accused me of not looking like my photos, or seemed at all disappointed in the person I turn out to be.
Sure, there have been some men I've contacted online who didn't respond when I contacted them. And yes, when that happens the first thing I think is that I must not have been good looking enough to meet their standards. This could be true, but it's just as likely that they were scared off by my straight-talking profile, or my statement that I don't want to have children, or the fact that I wrote that I'd like a man who is a little bit Marilyn Manson and a little bit Barack Obama. I mean, how many men can live up to that, right?
Likewise, there have been plenty of men who didn't spark my interest, and sometimes appearance is a factor in this. (Although more often than not, grammar and spelling are the dealbreakers in my book.) Also, there have also been plenty of times when it turns out that a guy whose photo seemed promising doesn't do anything for me in person, which brings me to the most important lesson in all of this. Desire is mysterious. Attraction is inexplicable. People like what they like, and it turns out there are plenty of people who like what they see in me. Who knew? Who knows--maybe this really does happen to me all the time.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Fitness Lessons from Buddhism
Today I read Pema Chodron's new book, Taking the Leap. Chodron is a Buddhist nun from Nova Scotia who suggests that the secret to overcoming fear and negative habits is learning to live consciously. (Not a surprising thing to hear from a Buddhist nun, I know.) She talks about the Tibetan concept of shenpa, or attachment. She writes:
Here's how shenpa shows up in everyday experience. Somebody says a harsh word and something in you tightens: instantly you're hooked. That tightness quickly spirals into blaming the person or denigrating yourself. The chain reaction of speaking or acting or obsessing happens fast. Maybe, if you have strong addictions, you go right for your addiction to cover over the uncomfortable feelings. This is very personal. What was said gets to you--it triggers you. It might not bother someone else at all, but we're talking about what touches your sore place--the sore place of shenpa.
Many of us experience shenpa as an attachment to identity. The way I understand it on a personal level is this: when someone or something triggers one of the "sore spots" connected to my identity, that's when the negative tape recorder in my brain starts looping around and reminding me of all my shortcomings. This is the dangerous moment. It is the moment when I want to distract myself--ideally with a pint of ice cream--so that I don't have to feel the fear and pain that arises from getting my buttons pushed.
This resonates especially powerfully with me right now because there are so many things that scare me, and most of them are deeply connected to my identity.
For instance, I'm afraid of failing at this job. I'm afraid I won't fit in or make any friends here. When I think about these things, the tape recorder in my head screams its message loud and clear: You're not good enough.
I've written before about learning to feel my own pain and confronting the fear of not being good enough. Of course, this is an ongoing challenge and, as Chodron reminds us, an opportunity for transformation. Instead of letting our emotional actions lead us to behaviors designed to cover up the pain and make us feel better, we can learn to change how we respond to those triggers. There are three steps to this process:
1. Acknowledge what you are feeling. In other words, notice you're in pain. (It's surprisingly hard to do this if you've spent a lifetime learning how to avoid it.)
2. Experience it fully. (Feel your pain.)
3. Relax and move on.
What you learn from doing this is that pain is not the worst thing in the world. Or, as Chodron says:
We think that facing our demons is reliving some traumatic event or discovering for sure that we're worthless. But, in fact, it is just abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run and finding that--guess what?--we don't die; we don't collapse. In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.
I was seeing a therapist last spring, and when I read Podron's three steps, I could hear the echo of his voice in my head. I think he would add a fourth step. He would say that not only can you acknowledge the feeling, you can also acknowledge that the message on the tape recorder is only a message. It's your tape recorder, and you can record a new, more accurate message if you want to. According to him, there is cognitive science to support this kind of reprogramming.
So that's what I'll be focusing on in the coming months. Admitting that I'm afraid. Allowing myself to feel the fear and the pain that comes with it. Rescripting the message on my mental tape recorder. Moving forward.
Here's how shenpa shows up in everyday experience. Somebody says a harsh word and something in you tightens: instantly you're hooked. That tightness quickly spirals into blaming the person or denigrating yourself. The chain reaction of speaking or acting or obsessing happens fast. Maybe, if you have strong addictions, you go right for your addiction to cover over the uncomfortable feelings. This is very personal. What was said gets to you--it triggers you. It might not bother someone else at all, but we're talking about what touches your sore place--the sore place of shenpa.
Many of us experience shenpa as an attachment to identity. The way I understand it on a personal level is this: when someone or something triggers one of the "sore spots" connected to my identity, that's when the negative tape recorder in my brain starts looping around and reminding me of all my shortcomings. This is the dangerous moment. It is the moment when I want to distract myself--ideally with a pint of ice cream--so that I don't have to feel the fear and pain that arises from getting my buttons pushed.
This resonates especially powerfully with me right now because there are so many things that scare me, and most of them are deeply connected to my identity.
For instance, I'm afraid of failing at this job. I'm afraid I won't fit in or make any friends here. When I think about these things, the tape recorder in my head screams its message loud and clear: You're not good enough.
I've written before about learning to feel my own pain and confronting the fear of not being good enough. Of course, this is an ongoing challenge and, as Chodron reminds us, an opportunity for transformation. Instead of letting our emotional actions lead us to behaviors designed to cover up the pain and make us feel better, we can learn to change how we respond to those triggers. There are three steps to this process:
1. Acknowledge what you are feeling. In other words, notice you're in pain. (It's surprisingly hard to do this if you've spent a lifetime learning how to avoid it.)
2. Experience it fully. (Feel your pain.)
3. Relax and move on.
What you learn from doing this is that pain is not the worst thing in the world. Or, as Chodron says:
We think that facing our demons is reliving some traumatic event or discovering for sure that we're worthless. But, in fact, it is just abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run and finding that--guess what?--we don't die; we don't collapse. In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.
I was seeing a therapist last spring, and when I read Podron's three steps, I could hear the echo of his voice in my head. I think he would add a fourth step. He would say that not only can you acknowledge the feeling, you can also acknowledge that the message on the tape recorder is only a message. It's your tape recorder, and you can record a new, more accurate message if you want to. According to him, there is cognitive science to support this kind of reprogramming.
So that's what I'll be focusing on in the coming months. Admitting that I'm afraid. Allowing myself to feel the fear and the pain that comes with it. Rescripting the message on my mental tape recorder. Moving forward.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
New Habits
I arrived in DC on Tuesday, and today was the first day I had a chance to do anything except clean, unpack and arrange. Since everything here is new to me, I figure it is a good time to focus on forging healthy habits that will eventually become part of my regular routine. To this end, I went for a run after breakfast. I had been neglecting my fitness program during the past month of apartment hunting and moving craziness, so it was actually the first run in four weeks. Guess what? I'm still on Good Old Week 5.
My building has a fitness center with treadmills, ellipticals, weight machines and free weights, which is really exciting. Not only do I not have to pay for a membership, I also have no good reason not to go downstairs and exercise.
In addition to working out, I can already see that my walking time is going to increase significantly. I got rid of the car, and the nearest metro stop is a ten minute walk away, so that's a minimum of twenty minutes of walking per day, and I'm sure there will be much more than that as I explore the city. Incidentally, the walk from the grocery store (which is right next to the metro stop) is ten minutes uphill. This may also help my eating habits, since I can't buy more groceries than I can carry. And guess what is really light? Lettuce.
My building has a fitness center with treadmills, ellipticals, weight machines and free weights, which is really exciting. Not only do I not have to pay for a membership, I also have no good reason not to go downstairs and exercise.
In addition to working out, I can already see that my walking time is going to increase significantly. I got rid of the car, and the nearest metro stop is a ten minute walk away, so that's a minimum of twenty minutes of walking per day, and I'm sure there will be much more than that as I explore the city. Incidentally, the walk from the grocery store (which is right next to the metro stop) is ten minutes uphill. This may also help my eating habits, since I can't buy more groceries than I can carry. And guess what is really light? Lettuce.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Didn't I Just Do This?
I just moved six months ago, and now I'm doing it all over again. Except this time I'm not just moving from one side of MDI to the other. Predictably, I've been so busy getting ready to leave that exercise has gone out the window, along with my plans to update you all on my progress over the summer. Stress and carbohydrates. That's where I am right now. By this time next week I'll be in DC and hopefully getting settled. Once that happens I'll be back with some updates.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Walking All Over DC
I spent the day traipsing around DC looking for an apartment. I love walking in the city...any city. I am so excited about moving here.
Some of the apartment buildings I'm looking at have fitness centers on site. Wouldn't it be great if I ended up in one of those? Hard to rationalize not going for a run when there is a treadmill right downstairs!
Some of the apartment buildings I'm looking at have fitness centers on site. Wouldn't it be great if I ended up in one of those? Hard to rationalize not going for a run when there is a treadmill right downstairs!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm Back!
Did you wonder where I had gone and why my blog suddenly disappeared? Well...I had a little security issue that freaked me out there for awhile. Once that passed, I thought perhaps I would keep the blog offline while I continued my job search--you know, so that prospective employers who googled me would not get to read about all my insecurities and neuroses.
I'm happy to report that I have found a job that will be taking me to the big city. And no, I'm not talking about Bangor. Or Portland. I'm talking about a BIG city, our nation's capital in fact. That's right, people. I'm moving to DC.
Although I'm not sure how much time I'll have for blogging while I move and once I go back to the world of working full-time, but I bet I'll have lots to share as I make this transition and explore how it impacts both my emotional and physical well-being. So I'm going to try my best to write as often as I can. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'll be setting some new fitness goals and updating you on my summer in the very near future.
I'm happy to report that I have found a job that will be taking me to the big city. And no, I'm not talking about Bangor. Or Portland. I'm talking about a BIG city, our nation's capital in fact. That's right, people. I'm moving to DC.
Although I'm not sure how much time I'll have for blogging while I move and once I go back to the world of working full-time, but I bet I'll have lots to share as I make this transition and explore how it impacts both my emotional and physical well-being. So I'm going to try my best to write as often as I can. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'll be setting some new fitness goals and updating you on my summer in the very near future.
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